remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
