It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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