I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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