He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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