I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
