see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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