so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
zippers are such a cool invention
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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