I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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