Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
