i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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