i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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