Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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