roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
