cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
