Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
