you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
