at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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