apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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