Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
