there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
