Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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