After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
