So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
