You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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