Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
