When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
