I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
