I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
