my vag is so smooth its legendary
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize