Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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