dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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