Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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