I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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