Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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