Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
