I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
