if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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