Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
