Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
