everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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