I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
