We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
