I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.