Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.