textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.