There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
