you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
