During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
