This is not my ceiling
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
