I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
