2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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