Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
