SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
