You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
