Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
