After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
